Part Ten: THE FINAL

All-caps for mad emphasis, yo. This is the tenth and final installment of my Confessions As A Non-Fan, in which I look deep inside my heart and find that, yep, I don't actually care about the Canucks after all.

When I started this blog, there was actually something of a weird sense of hope I had going in. I was hoping that, somehow, through talking about not liking our stupid local hockey team, there would be something of a reversal going on and I actually would start to like them. Hope springs eternal, eh?

My non-fandom was never more apparent to me than when a group of hockey fans came onto the SkyTrain when I was riding past Stadium station apparently just after a game. They were all smiling, happy, jersey-wearing fools for whom it seemed no greater pleasure could be had than that which they had just experienced. Looking at these people, all high off the adrenaline of a Canucks victory and currently friends with anyone wearing a C on their chest, all I could think of was how annoying it is when you're not having a great time and you're with people who are. But I don't think this was jealousy so much as a lack of understanding between the fans and I: I just can't get into the mindset anymore where a hockey game is something to get excited about, whether our home team won or not.

However, I apparently can still kind of get into hockey video games. I played a few rounds of NHL 2K7 on the PS3 with a friend of mine (he was playing the Canucks, I chose the Ducks simply to spite him) and that wasn't bad, but playing a videogame and being genuinely interested in a sport are worlds away.

So what was learned through this exercise? Not a whole lot, actually. I never intended for this blog to be much more than a humorous distraction from the very beginning, and as is usually the case with frivolous things, in the end there isn't really anything of value left over. Yes, we all know I don't like the Canucks, we might even know a bit of why I don't, but is that going to affect your life in any way?

Of course not. But nevermind that... In my first post, I mentioned science-fiction roleplaying games and how I was going to investigate which Canucks player would be best as an avatar in one. Thought I forgot about that, now didn't you? Oh ho, I didn't. Oh ho ho. I'm sounding like Santa Claus' evil brother (not Fred Claus, more like that evil fake Santa from The Santa Clause 2) now, I think I should probably stop with the whole 'oh ho ho' thing. Anyways, the answer may shock you. After careful consideration and looking at players' stat charts for a good 2 minutes, I have determined that the ultimate role-playing character in the Canucks roster is...

FIN THE KILLER WHALE!

Or orca, if you prefer. Who else on the Canucks has sharp teeth, blubber for protection against the cold, insane swimming skills in addition to skating as well as an unholy thirst for seal flesh? That's right, nobody! (Except maybe Trevor Linden.) Fin's survival stats are through the roof, and while the rest of the team is undoubtedly fairly skilled at hockey-fighting, not even the toughest player can claim to be able to eat another human quite the same way a killer whale can.