Part Three: What Your Canucks Jersey Says About You

As any resident of the lower mainland can surely attest, the Canucks' logo isn't exactly a rare sight. While admittedly it hasn't quite reached the same level of cultural transcendency as something like the New York Yankees' omnipresent "NY" symbol (endorsed by approximately half of all rappers), it's hard to avoid running into the angry dolphin at least a good 15 times while walking down the street on any normal day - harder still if there's a home game going on.


Knowing this, I'm sure you're all just dying to know what your Canucks jersey says about you. Or, rather, what some random blogger thinks it does. If this is indeed the case, then you're in luck because that's exactly what this blog post is about! And if it's not the case, well, go read I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER or something. Because this is where the fun begins, and if that fun isn't...

You know what? That sentence I was beginning right there? It was awful. So I killed it. Yeah, that's right. I'm a stone-cold killer, yo. And with that in mind, I think it's time to write about some branded merchandise. Oh yeah.


1) The new jersey


Chances are, if you have one of these already you're a hardcore fan in the nastiest way. These suckers are expensive as all hell and not usually regarded as being all that attractive, but simply owning one shows the world that you're not only enough of a fan to blow some $100+ on a single shirt but you're also on the cutting edge, that you've always got the newest stuff just as it comes out. As such, a lot of people probably hate you, but rest assured they're all just jealous. Jealous that you're rocking the latest and greatest and they're stuck with a nasty old '80s jersey possibly purchased from the Salvation Army. Or something along those lines.


2) An old-style jersey, but purchased new


You see a lot of these around, particularly the vintage 1972 style. Wearing a jersey from one particular era shows either a strong sense of loyalty to that time period (usually the case with the '80s jersey styles) or simply a preference for a more 'old-school' aesthetic (almost always the case with the original). Chances are, if you have one of these you're a serious fan but not obsessive; you're probably going to get the new jersey as well but you're giving it some time.


3) One of those horrible pink-and-white "women's" jerseys


I'm not sure who thought these up, but I think it's telling that I've never seen a woman actually wearing one. There are many ways that the NHL merchandising department could've made jerseys more appealing to the female portion of hockey fandom, but of them all I think making team logos pink and sparkly was probably be the most offensively stupid way possible. Well, next to perhaps modifying them to show cleavage, but I like to believe nobody even bothered suggesting that one while designing these. Anyways, if you wear one of these... I can't really say what you're like, because I've never seen you and I'm not entirely convinced you even actually exist.


4) First-generation angry dolphin, purchased at any point in time


Pretty much the standard, about 70% of the Canucks jerseys you're likely to see are of the '97 variety. Which makes it hard to say much about the wearer - they could be anybody. Could be somebody who's never so much as seen a game but likes to seem like they're supporting our team. Could be a huge fan who just doesn't see the need to buy another jersey. Could be someone who's just wearing one to fit in. Could be me. Could be you. Could be anyone in the world. OK, so maybe not quite anyone and definitely not me (I don't own a Canucks jersey, surprise surprise), but you get my drift.


5) Ratty old jersey purchased from a thrift store


Probably not that much of a fan, since chances are when one goes into a thrift store one isn't specifically looking for a certain sports team's sweater. (Does anyone still call jerseys 'sweaters'?) But hey, at least you cared enough to buy one - makes you more of a fan than me, and that's probably enough in most people's books.


Well, I believe that just about covers the different types out there. Also, if anyone has photographic evidence of someone actually wearing one of the women's jerseys, I'd like to see it because as it stands now I still can't bring myself to believe they're not just some big, sick joke.

Part Two: The Pre-Season

Well, I'm pretty late with this one but here's how it goes. For some reason or other (knowing exactly why this exists might possibly make me a fan, and we can't have that now can we), the NHL has a number of games scheduled between the league's hockey clubs throughout the month of September before the season officially starts on the 29th. Thus far Vancouver's won 2 of the 4 pre-season games played thus far, and were this a more serious sports blog I'd probably have something to say about what this could mean for Vancouver's future in the regular season. But seeing as that isn't really my style, I have instead prepared for you all the handy-dandy Non-Fan's Guide To The NHL 07/08 Pre-Season: Vancouver Canucks Edition. Enjoy.

First rule of the pre-season: Vancouver does not win to the Mighty Ducks. It just doesn't happen.

In this year's pre-season games, Vancouver's been matched up against the Calgary Flames (thrashed in our first game against them, a 4-0 shutout in our favour), the Edmonton Oilers (4-5 victory to the Canucks), the San Jose Sharks (beat us 3-1) and the Anaheim Mighty Ducks (3-2, victory to the Ducks. Obviously.) Now, with any of those other games things probably could've gone either way (like I'd know - it's not like I watched these games), but approximately all my recent memories of Canucks games have involved seeing the Ducks kick our sorry butts, booting us out of the playoff race and then going on to win the whole thing just to spite us. So the first rule of the pre-season is that Vancouver does not win to the Ducks. Seriously. It just doesn't happen.

Second rule of the pre-season: Everything you need to know, you can find in The Province.

Well, OK. The Vancouver Sun probably has a good sports section too, but I never read the Sun because it's bloody huge for no good reason and I always found the size makes it unnecessarily tedious to read. Anyhow, pretty much everything you need to know about the pre-season can be bought for a good $1.40 (minimum of $1.87 outside of the lower mainland, apparently) at any half-decent newsstand, grocery store, convenience store, SkyTrain station or wherever else might happen to sell newspapers. I mean, theoretically you could also look online (maybe to a decent sports blog, you traitor you), but for what it's worth I always say nothing beats reading about hockey along with your corn flakes when you finally get out of bed at about 11 in the morning.

Third rule of the pre-season (and first rule of the regular season): NHL hockey videogames are not a good way to predict the pre-season (or the regular season, for that matter)

Ever play EA Sports' NHL games? Or maybe you're more into 2K Sports. Whichever franchise you may prefer, the time-honoured trend of attempting to predict the outcome of upcoming games by pitting virtual representations of participating teams against each other tends to produce results about as reliable as writing down scores, putting them in a hat and picking them out at random. That being said, I hear NHL 08 from EA Sports is getting buzz as being the most realistic hockey game ever made - still doesn't change the rule, but it's something to think about.

And there it is. The Non-Fan's Guide To The Pre-Season. Read it and be empowered, fellow non-fans!

Part One: This Blogger's Thesis

Looking at that logo there, what do you see? For some, it's a symbol of team spirit - a flag of sorts, rallying like-minded Vancouverites to cheer for our home team, regardless of how badly we may be doing in the current season. For others, it's a reminder of crushing disappointment - the team wearing that symbol has never won the Stanley Cup, after all. Some still see it as an icon of crass commercialism, a blatant reference to the Canucks' corporate sponsors Orca Bay that has precious little to do with the city of Vancouver or its people.

Me, though? I look at that logo and see an angry dolphin.

Which brings me to the topic of this post, This Blogger's Thesis.

I've noticed that there are a lot of sports-themed blogs out there. Maybe not as many as there are, say, blogs devoted entirely to obscure sexual fetishes or science-fiction roleplay, but certainly a good number. But precious few of these blogs are written by what I'd call 'non-fans', people who have an interest in a sports team (or, more generally, a sport) and choose to express their interest by not watching games, not participating in discussions regarding the team and generally not being fans.

That's where I come in.

Now, you're probably wondering "why would I want to read this?" and, my dear reader, the answer is simple. Because, while other sports blogs might give you valuable information about how well certain teams are doing, which star rookies' cards will be worth thousands of dollars in another ten years or so and which team you'd be least likely to bankrupt yourself betting on in the office pool, will any of those blogs review the Vancouver Canucks online store or give you advice on which player would be best to base a character in your favourite science-fiction roleplaying game on? I think not!

With me, you've got a different perspective. A different perspective that doesn't particularly care if it comes across as ridiculous, absurd or just plain stupid - as long as it's entertaining, it's all good.

So join me, readers, as I share with you the Confessions of a non-fan. As those obnoxious radio ads for Brown Bros. Ford (at Main & Marine in Vancouver!) always say, "You'll be glad you did."