Part Ten: THE FINAL

All-caps for mad emphasis, yo. This is the tenth and final installment of my Confessions As A Non-Fan, in which I look deep inside my heart and find that, yep, I don't actually care about the Canucks after all.

When I started this blog, there was actually something of a weird sense of hope I had going in. I was hoping that, somehow, through talking about not liking our stupid local hockey team, there would be something of a reversal going on and I actually would start to like them. Hope springs eternal, eh?

My non-fandom was never more apparent to me than when a group of hockey fans came onto the SkyTrain when I was riding past Stadium station apparently just after a game. They were all smiling, happy, jersey-wearing fools for whom it seemed no greater pleasure could be had than that which they had just experienced. Looking at these people, all high off the adrenaline of a Canucks victory and currently friends with anyone wearing a C on their chest, all I could think of was how annoying it is when you're not having a great time and you're with people who are. But I don't think this was jealousy so much as a lack of understanding between the fans and I: I just can't get into the mindset anymore where a hockey game is something to get excited about, whether our home team won or not.

However, I apparently can still kind of get into hockey video games. I played a few rounds of NHL 2K7 on the PS3 with a friend of mine (he was playing the Canucks, I chose the Ducks simply to spite him) and that wasn't bad, but playing a videogame and being genuinely interested in a sport are worlds away.

So what was learned through this exercise? Not a whole lot, actually. I never intended for this blog to be much more than a humorous distraction from the very beginning, and as is usually the case with frivolous things, in the end there isn't really anything of value left over. Yes, we all know I don't like the Canucks, we might even know a bit of why I don't, but is that going to affect your life in any way?

Of course not. But nevermind that... In my first post, I mentioned science-fiction roleplaying games and how I was going to investigate which Canucks player would be best as an avatar in one. Thought I forgot about that, now didn't you? Oh ho, I didn't. Oh ho ho. I'm sounding like Santa Claus' evil brother (not Fred Claus, more like that evil fake Santa from The Santa Clause 2) now, I think I should probably stop with the whole 'oh ho ho' thing. Anyways, the answer may shock you. After careful consideration and looking at players' stat charts for a good 2 minutes, I have determined that the ultimate role-playing character in the Canucks roster is...

FIN THE KILLER WHALE!

Or orca, if you prefer. Who else on the Canucks has sharp teeth, blubber for protection against the cold, insane swimming skills in addition to skating as well as an unholy thirst for seal flesh? That's right, nobody! (Except maybe Trevor Linden.) Fin's survival stats are through the roof, and while the rest of the team is undoubtedly fairly skilled at hockey-fighting, not even the toughest player can claim to be able to eat another human quite the same way a killer whale can.

Part Ten To Be Delayed Somewhat

OK, I'm currently swamped with assignments (as college students are wont to be) so part ten of my ongoing series of nonsense about the Vancouver Canucks won't be until next week. Sorry!

Part Nine: Number Eleven in the Western Conference

Well, I checked the standings and the Vancouver Canucks are in the oh-so-prestigious #11 spot for the NHL's Western Conference. Now, for the uninitiated, the NHL's 30 teams are divided evenly into Western and Eastern conferences, and the Canucks' conference standings of #11 means there are only 4 western teams doing worse than them at the moment. Let's take a look at those teams:

#12. Calgary Flames
Ahh, Calgary. Believe it or not, these guys won the Stanley Cup back in '89, even after trading away Brett Hull for some guy nobody's heard of. Also notable for having the NHL's first mascot with Harvey the Hound (whose tongue was famously ripped out by the Edmonton Oilers' coach Craig MacTavish in one of the best NHL mascot stories ever), having the single ugliest alternate logo in sports history and apparently having some sort of controversy regarding whether or not they should've won the cup again in 2004. How a team with such an illustrious history has managed to fall even below the abysmal Canucks is beyond me, but somehow they've pulled it off.

#13. St. Louis Blues
Despite almost always having fantastic players (the aforementioned Brett Hull is a notable example, and as many know Wayne Gretzky was with the Blues for a season), the St. Louis Blues have never really managed to be that much of a presence in the NHL. When they're not completely sucking (as they have been the last few seasons), they're stuck firmly in the middle tier - not bad by any means, but not going to win anything important either. That, and while admittedly none of the new NHL jerseys look that great, the Blues' new sweaters are especially bland. Kind of suits their current performance, don't you think?

#14. Phoenix Coyotes
You know, I've got a bone to pick with the Coyotes. I was never much of a Winnipeg Jets fan, but when they moved to Arizona and became the Phoenix Coyotes, I was pretty pumped. You want to know why? Because, god dammit, that coyote logo of theirs was awesome. But what did those bastards do? Oh yeah, they got rid of the only thing their team had going for them. They had the coolest jerseys in the entirety of the NHL, so when it comes time for a redesign they scrap everything that made their old ones awesome and replace it with a jersey so boring and uninspired, it might as well be the generic starter shirt for your created team in a hockey game. Except said hockey game would probably let you add more details to the jersey, whereas the Coyotes are left with something dead boring and they can't do anything about it. Which usually wouldn't matter, but since their jerseys were previously the only good thing about the team, it's a pretty fatal blow.

#15. Edmonton Oilers
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...
Sorry, I hate hockey teams from Alberta and seeing the Oilers ranking at the bottom of the conference fills me with joy. Suckers.

Part Eight: So The Canucks Suck, But What About Vancouver's Other Teams?

As you may know, the Canucks are hardly the only sports team out of Vancouver. They may be BC's only NHL franchise (why Alberta gets two teams and BC only has one will forever be a mystery to me), but when it comes to professional (and semi-professional) sports there's certainly no lack of promising teams in our city so why not take a look at a few of them?

BC Lions
Sport: Football
League: Canadian Football League (CFL)
Founded: 1954
Championships won: 1964, 1985, 1994, 2000, 2006

While the Canucks have never won the cup and probably never will, winning has yet to prove too much of a problem for our local football club. The Lions are on top of the league and seem every bit ready for a second consecutive Grey Cup win - but chances are, if you're into football you're already a Lions fan so you don't need me to tell you this.

Vancouver Giants
Sport: Hockey
League: Western Hockey League (WHL)
Founded: 2001
Championships won: 05/06, 06/07

I admit to knowing absolutely nothing about junior league hockey, but a quick look at the Vancouver Province's league stats shows the Vancouver Giants on top of the WHL and their recent status as Canadian junior league champions (beating out the top teams from sister leagues the Ontario Hockey League and Quebec Major Junior Hockey League) has me thinking these guys are probably pretty damn good. Add that to the fact that tickets to Giants games cost $16.50-18.50 versus the Canucks' $49.25+ and I don't think it'd be a bad idea at all to start becoming a Giants fan right about now.

Vancouver Whitecaps
Sport: Soccer
League: USL First Division (USL-1)
Founded: 1986
Championships won: 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991, 2006

Who would've thought Vancouver would have a good soccer team? While admittedly most interest in the Whitecaps recently is due to the fact that they're playing against the LA Galaxy (or, as the media seems to know the team as, 'David Beckham') later this week, BC's main soccer team isn't too shabby on its own either. Of course, the stereotype that your average North American couldn't be paid enough to care about soccer in the slightest rings mostly true, but I admit - with all this Beckham hype going on, even I'm starting to want to watch that game.

Part Seven: It's Haiku Time

You all know the drill here. 5 syllables first line, 7 second line, 5 again for the third line. Lines must not rhyme, for such are the weird and slightly insane rules of haiku. As for why I'm suddenly delving into the realms of bad poetry, well what are the odds that my first poem would be about just that?

David Kaufmann has
Run out of ideas for
His silly Canucks blog

...And my second one, too!

Getting nostalgic
Has its moments but truly
Haiku is more fun

Alright, alright, enough kidding around.

The Vancouver Canucks
How inspired they make me not
To become a fan

I don't think you knew
My favourite part of hockey
Is the word 'goalie'

Did you hear about
How the Sedins are doing?
I know I did not

I was at the Bay
Canucks merchandise really
Isn't that pretty

The NHL is
An inconvenient
Subject for haiku

I'm stopping this now
Pretend this post never was
Haiku sucks like that

Part Six: In Which The Blogger Gets Nostalgic On All O' Y'all

Once upon a time, this Non-Fan was very much a Fan. I'd mentioned my past obsession with hockey cards in a previous post, and for this post I've decided to give you all a special treat: the story of the first (and only) NHL hockey game I've ever been to. But I warn you in advance, this one's positively dripping with nostalgia, so if you're not the sentimental type you'd probably be better off skipping this one.

Storytelling time in 3... 2... 1...

I don't know exactly what it was about hockey that grabbed my attention so thoroughly, but whatever it was sure did its job well. If I wasn't watching a game on TV, reading about it in the newspaper or Sports Illustrated for Kids (I had a subscription but never bothered reading the articles that weren't about the NHL), playing NHL 98 on my dad's computer or obsessing over hockey cards I was dreaming about someday being good enough with a stick for my adventures as a goalie in the local basketball court-turned-street hockey rink to be anything less than tragedy, and yet somehow through all this I'd never managed to whine my parents into submission long enough for them to choke up the cash to pay for a trip to GM Place for a game.



However, as you've probably guessed by now, one day in 1998 (or was it '97?) that all changed. See, now at the time my two favourite hockey teams were probably the New Jersey Devils (in retrospect I can't really remember why I was a Devils fan, but apparently I was) and the Vancouver Canucks (hometown pride, obviously), and any time those two played each other it was like watching the Clash of the Titans - just instead of gigantic mythological beasts beating the crap out of each other, it was a bunch of overpaid athletes on skates whacking a tiny rubber puck with curved sticks.

So, knowing this, imagine my surprise when one day my father comes home from work bearing two golden tickets (seriously, if I remember correctly the tickets really did have gold colouring on them) to see the New Jersey Devils at the Vancouver Canucks at GM Place, to see these two great Titans doing battle in the Garden of Earthly Delights itself! (Note for future reference: whenever I say something completely insane in the future, just think of the time I called GM Place 'the Garden of Earthly Delights' and it won't seem that wacked after all)

Needless to say, when I found this out the first thing I did was to get started on making my own game poster. Inspired by how people always seem to be holding up big huge cardboard signs with messages like "TREVOR LINDEN HAVE MY BABIES" or "OUR TEAM LOGO MAY LOOK LIKE A DOLPHIN WITH A BAD CASE OF CONSTIPATION BUT IT'S STILL BETTER THAN THAT SONIC THE HEDGEHOG CRAP YOU'VE GOT ON YOUR JERSEYS, EDMONTON", I thought it'd only be natural to make a sign of my own. However, my sign-making capabilities were severely limited by A: the fact that I didn't have any paper larger than the standard office-size 8x11" and B: the fact that I had no idea whether I wanted the Canucks to win or the Devils.

So, naturally, I decided the best way to work with those flaws would be to simply use a single piece of 8x11" paper with "GO CANUCKS GO" on one side and "GO DEVILS GO" on the other. Basically, my plan was that I'd cheer for whichever team was winning, because team loyalty when you're dealing with your two favourites gets pretty tricky.

Come game night, I couldn't believe this was all actually happening. Everything leading up to the game is a blur in my memory, as all I could think about was the upcoming spectacle - the thrill of being in the same building as these godlike teams as they clash for whatever it was they were trying for. Oh, the glory of it all! My trip to Disneyland when I was 6? Yeah, that had nothing on this. Just nothing at all.

And then it finally began.

Nothing in my previous experience watching hockey on TV could quite prepare me for the thrill of being in the thick of it, watching an NHL game live and personal. Everything was so immediate, so much unlike the TV broadcasts with their play-by-play and their instant replays. I cheered any time either team scored a goal (Devils, Canucks, it didn't matter), and by the time the game was over (Canucks won 3-2) I felt as if my entire year had just been made.

After the game I got a hat from the gift shop that didn't leave my head for months afterwards, a perpetual reminder of the best day I'd ever had. Even to this day I keep that hat hanging on my bedpost, one of my few untainted memories and also a pretty nifty hat for what it's worth.

As for why, even after such an amazing experience that I still remember fondly, I can't bring myself to sit through a single game on TV? Well, quite frankly that's something even I don't know. Which, in many ways, is my biggest Confession as a Non-Fan: that I don't really know why I'm not a fan.

Part Five: So I Was Going To Write A Totally Awesome Blog Post But Then I Forgot What It Was Going To Be About So Here's Something Else

Well, the season's officially started now. Predictably enough it seems the Canucks aren't doing too great, but it also doesn't seem like we're sucking beyond redemption - in other words, the season's off to a start that is, above all, mind-numbingly boring. I saved myself from most of the boredom by not bothering to watch any of the games (the only time I really consider turning on the TV to catch a game is during the playoffs, and those aren't for another I-forget-how-many months), but checking the Canucks' website for scores I almost laughed out loud. We'd won exactly half the games played in this part of the season. It's as if the Canucks truly are destined to become the most average team in the league; surely striking fear into the hearts of the Edmonton Oilers but barely registering on other franchises' radar.

Speaking of the Oilers, anyone remember when they tried changing their logo to that weird riveted gear-thing that looked like something out of Sonic the Hedgehog? I understand the desire to appeal more to kids or whatever the hell motivated that disaster, but was putting what looked like a power-up graphic from a bad videogame on team sweaters really the best way to go about doing that? I'm asking way too many rhetorical questions here. I should probably stop doing that.

But anyhow, the point with today's update is that, quite frankly, right now I can't really bring myself to talk about the Canucks. I've got a great big awesome update planned for next time (complete with self-depreciating humour and an overdose of nostalgia), but... Not today. Sorry.